i wanna kiss you, but if i do then i might miss you, babe

Wow the shock of how quickly one can fall. or not how quickly they are actually falling but the realisation that they have in fact fallen for someone they thought was just a friend, a shoulder to moan on, or someone to flirt with. they could have been falling for years with no clue that one day they would believe they could not in fact live without the other. It just takes a couple of cute texts and big hugs, cheesy smiles and friendly banter to cause a girls heart to slowly fall down a hole of no return even if the other only truly loves you as a friend. but that's love isn't it that's the pain and the heartache. but mostly that's the thrill f it all.

Cause when there's you I feel whole And there's no better feeling in the world

What is this feeling, this feeling of worthlessness, of uselessness, This feeling that anything i do will not be good enough, I'll never fit in but then never be special enough to stand out. I will always just be a faded corner of an amazing event. the bit people forget to say, never remember...

And whats made me feel like this?

i suppose its the way we are all moving on, splitting up, losing touch. I don't want to lose any of my friends I want things to stay just as they are now, I have shared some amazing memories with some amazing people and I'm just so scared I'm never going to see them again. Because i need them to feel whole and no-one or nothing could replace the friends i have at the moment. And yes we have our arguments, but they're meaningless pointless arguments that last only a few minutes and once they are over we're back to being best friends again. But i don't think i could find that with any other people. Some of my friends i have been with for eleven years, and I'm not ready to break that bond of friendship yet... Not when we're just beginning to grow up and be our real selves. I need them for that!

And that brings me on to my last topic. I want to feel loved this summer. I want to feel like i belong to one person and that they'd miss me if i was gone. And I know it'd hardly last longer than a couple of months or a year, and it would just be some stupid childish infatuation, but it's what i want right now. i don't care about labels such as boyfriends, girlfriends, in a relationship, single. That doesn't matter to me! I just want to feel loved this summer and have someone love me as much as i love them, want to spend time with me, enjoy my company and miss me when I'm not there. I want someone to feel for me as i have for them for a long time. But wishing doesn't make dreams come true, it just fills your head with sadness and disappointment...

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked in to your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity - Henry Bromel

And it's been a while since i first saw you

wow it's been time. I've been pretty recently tbh with exams, and then just not been bothered to write anymore, tbh exams take everything out of you, they depress you and make you comfort eat big time which makes you more depressed cause you put on weight so you comfort eat more to cope with being upset. it's just one huge circle that im stuck in. i cant wait for summer, i cant wait for tommorow to be over, for exams to be over. then friday, prom (: actually can't wait gunna be so good and our hummer is actually lush its huge and white and lushhh (:

anyway this is gunna have to be a shorten cause i have to revise and then shower...
i'll try and catch up again tommorow after my LAST EVER EXAM :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

xxxxx

i look ahead to all the plans that we made

Alreeet blogger, yes i am back again. sorry i haven't been on for a while, been pretty busy doing nothing...

had a pretty good day yesterday, went to Bracknell with Katie and Heather to meet Sam and Adam. well when i say 'went with them' that was the plan, what really happened was i missed the train by literally ten seconds, because some pervert decided to shout at me and my skirt got lifted up by the wind so as i was busy trying to protect my dignity the lights changed and i forgot to cross the road.. yes i know stupid but that's me.. and it gets worse. so I'm at the station, got half an hour to wait for the next train, pretty annoying but at least I've got my music to entertain me and oh look an empty bench! so i sat on this empty bench only to discover it was wet! YES I SAT ON A WET BENCH! i was so annoyed but didn't want to go home and get changed as i didn't want to miss the next train so i went and sat in the little shelter after checking it was dry, luckily only my tights had got wet and not my skirt, not really sure how that happened but i was happy, so as i sat there my tights slowly drying to train mechanics came on to the platform and decided to sit on either side of me.. and constantly talk over me. then one of them decided that wasn't annoying enough so he started tapping his helmet repeatedly!

I was just glad to get on that train and get a seat... the journey seemed to take forever but eventually i was re-united with my friends and we had a pretty good morning trekking round Bracknell looking for jobs for Sam and Adam.

I got home about 2.30 after being perved on by EVERY lorry driver who passed me, only to realise i really needed to revise before my family friend came round to help me with my biology.. we got quite a lot done tbh and I'm pretty sure of my biology just need to work on chemistry and actually look at physics as well as food tech and ill be sorted :)


anyway the reason i was writing this blog is about my dream last night, well you couldn't really call it a dream, was more of a nightmare of sorts. Now I'm not really the superficial one to worry about little details but I've been looking forward to prom for ages and i really want the night to run smoothly as well as the fact that my parents have paid so much for it so i really hope it is perfect...

anyway my dream, i cant remember how it started so I'll start from where i do remember. I went to the hairdressers to get my hair done nicely and it looked so good once it was finished, just as i had imagined it. i was so happy with it. but somehow I'd managed to lean on the back of my head so it had all got squashed and then all my curls started to drop and it just turned in to a mess.

Next was the limo. I called Talia asking her what time she wanted us round and she said that there was a slight problem. okay a slight problem shouldn't be too bad? WRONG! the limo company we'd hired the limo from didn't actually have a limo and weren't answering there phone. it was a scam! they charged us £60 each and ran with the money. so we were stuck in Winnersh with no clue how we were going to get to prom. By this time we had five minutes before we needed to be at prom. (for some reason we couldn't be late :/ ) so i had to quickly shove on my dress and shoes, but couldn't find my mum to do my dress up so had to let my dad do it! but he couldn't do it tight enough so it kept falling down.

He nicely offered a couple of us a lift so whilst in the car i tried to do my makeup and ended up looking like an actual clown. Then for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to open a bottle of champagne in the car, to calm our nerves... but ended up getting covered in it instead... so now not only was my hair and face ruined, now my dress was as well! my dress that i am in absolute love with! Was Ruined! I would've cried. but we were at prom now so we climbed out of the car only to find it had finished and the place was an absolute tip which we had to tidy up!

and what makes it worse is it felt so real! Prom better be better than that or I'll actually cry!

and now i’m stating, see i never saw this in my daydream

Last night..... seriously amazing. It started off with me Phie and Grace getting the tables and chairs ready outside, which meant spraying each other 'accidentely' with the hose pipe. then everyone else started to arrive so we cracked open the cider and after one glass we were already pretty happy, lightweights i know.

we spent teh night singing and dancing to music, talking, laughing, hugging and some other stuff too... but we did have one problem as my dad had gone to the pub and we weren't quite sure how to turn the barbecue off.... so a couple of us got a little bit gassed haha.

oh and one of our pringles had a hair in it which looked suspiciously like a pube!!! disgusting or what? but it did give us all a laugh...

6.30 - midnight 12/06/2009 one of my favourite days ever because i gotta spend it with my best friends. I don't wanna lose them. Ever :) x

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,

and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.

seriously why can't I let go?
this does my head in. i dont want to do this anymore. i want him to go away. get out of my head. but then i know i'd miss him. even if I forgot who he was it would still feel like a part of me was missing and thats never good.

Anddddd even though i can't have him because he says so i cant have anyone else because part of me wont move on, still hoping he'll want me one day like he says he will. And I compare every other guy to him without realising it

but anyway back to my life. These posts always seem so depressing :/ i'm actual not some sort of emo just have a lot of thoughts to share haha

but i've now pretty much decided i'm going to farny next year! i'm so excited. I'm gunna miss all my friends and the holt in a wierd way but i just need to get out there. im fed up with the same thing everyday and i feel going to farny will move me closer to real life. It'll be a new experience and hopefully i'll make new friends and enjoy it although im really nervous because im not the best at making new friends... but hopefully it'll be okay.

well today i did my drama exam. last time i ever have to do it! YAY although im really gunna miss the lessons and ofc miss fergy. our classes were always so much fun and everyone was really supportive. Now i'm on my three day weekend and tommorow my friends are coming round for a small gathering and a bit of cider drinking too so that we can enjoy ourselves... wait that sounds like i need alcohol to enjoy myself... i dont but it helps :) it does make things more colourful and funny especially when im with grace and phie. although phies better at the physcological stuff, and talking about stars :)

well theres not much more i can say about today. sorry i havent blogged for a while. i'll try and blog again tommorow if i find time but hey im a busy person ;)

the start of the end

so here i am again, trying to revise for an exam where it doesnt really matter whether i revise or not i'm still not gunna get my target grade. their stupid they are. they give most people a false sense of security, try and make them believe they'll acheive something but when they dont they'll be more upset.

I'm really not looking forward to results day. not because i'm worried i wont get the grades i would like because to be honest as long as i get all above c with the exception of french i'll be happy. yes of course i'd love all a's but i'm not putting a lot of hope on it. because i dont want to feel dissapointed. i'd rather feel suprised that i got higher than i thought i would get then dissapointed and angry for not getting the grades i wanted.

but thats not the reason i dont want results. the reason i dont want results is because i hate the way everyone runs around asking you what you got and if you got lower than them they say in that really patronising voice 'ahh well done, thats good for you.' like your thick or something. or if you did by chance get higher than them because you revised really hard or you just had a really good exam then they complain that it was unfair, how could you possibly get more than they did? and then they make up excuses... their test was harder, they were having a bad day or they didnt revise. they cant accept that you may have just done better in one exam than them.

I'm not dumb I know that. i may not be the cleverest girl out there but i'm not stupid. And just because I might not get all a's doesn't mean i dont know anything. so yeh you're more acedemically smart than me. but in the real world what does that mean? Theres a lot more to life than a bunch of stupid exams, like friendship and love and exploring new places. I want to live when i'm older not just be some computer stuck in a job somewhere. and tbh once i've done my a levels who's really gunna care too much about my gcses? just as long as i get five a to c's then i'll be fine.

just another dayyy

As I never blogged yesturday and i haven't done much today i'm going to talk about yesturday today (:

well i started off in quite a bad mood. I had no plans for my whole weekend, which was a four day weekend as well. I'd got up pretty late, was about half nine, and woke up only to find i was on my own apart from my brother who was completely out of it in his room. So i went in to the living room to eat breakfast and watch some light television, however nothing good was on... just my luck. all the while my anger was building up inside me until i decided I needed to do something to vent that anger so i went to the gym. and it was actually really good as i managed to run for fifteen minutes wooh! haha... but i couldnt work out how to use the bikes, cause they've got these new ones which are really cool cause its like a video game sort of thing except the seats are really uncomfy and i wasn't in the mood.

Anyway so i've finished my workout and i've just had a shower and i've got two texts asking me to come to reading, so i quickly get dressed and call my mum to come pick me up. by the time ive got home i have half an hour to get changed and ready before catching the train in to reading so i had to rush. wasn't fun and it was raining so my hair went completely frizzy and does that wierd boyband fringe thing which i hate. but i'm with my friends in reading so its all good (: although we dont really do too much just walk around for a couple of hours, then yasmin had to go get her eyes tested at the opticians so me and adam and damien spend about an hour walking round woodley i think it was looking a little bit lost and having some interesting conversation about music...

i then went to the cinema with my daddy to see angels and demons which was pretty good but pretty wierd as well and one guy injects himself with a needle which makes me feel really sick. afterwards we got a chinese and went home to watch comedians on stage... and i now have a new found love for bill bailey. seriously if you have a spare minute go on to youtube and search- bill bailey, tinselworm, emo song. you will seriously laugh... well i did anyway. i'm really in to stand up comedy these days as well as programmes such as never mind the buzzcocks and 8 out of ten cats. there just so funny and i dont know how they can think up these things so fast..

bad times

okayy i keep going to write a blog today and end up getting distracted by the littlest of things... not a good start i must say.

so my day today, what did i do? absolutely nothing! Oh no I emptied the dishwasher! Wow I really wish I hadn't got up this morning, then I wouldn't be stuck in the living room on my own with a cider whilst my brothers out in the conservatory having fun with his friends who are rather annoying tbh as they keep giving me dirty looks as if its wrong to walk around my own house!

and what makes it even worse is I had plans to see someone today which i was really looking forward to seeing as i havent seen them in ages but they got cancelled because of Englands awful weather. seriously wheres the sun gone? & it feels like im always being cancelled on these days, or just not invited out and its really not fun. especially by the people i'm closest to.

eugh sorry for the depressing blog and its shortness, just got distracted again so im off laterssss xxxxx

do you feel like a man when you push her around?

okayy i've taken this from katie but not cause i want to copy her but just because i thought it was a realy good idea and i really need to say some stuff and if i put it on here only a few people i know will see it but it will help me as i'll get it off my chest.

so here goes

8 things i want to say to people but i just cant face it.

1. i miss you so much. more than i think you'll ever realise. I want to give up on you. so so badly. but i cant cause i need you. you were my best friend and the most amazing guy in my life and now i cant even talk to you. but i still love you. if you still like me, let me know and if you dont please let me go so i can try and move on x

2. what happened to you? gah i miss you so much. when i'm with its still just the two of us. like its always been but when do i see you? i feel like you're pushing me out of your life and i really don't like it. come back to me. please x

3. what are you doing to yourself? you're such a mess and it kills me to see you this way. you're so bright yet you're throwing it all away. HOW CAN YOU BE THIS THICK? i miss you. and at this rate i know i dont have long left with you. please sort yourself out. I'm here for you though. when you do decide to sort yourself out i'll be here. through it all just as long as i get you back. i love you x

4. I cant wait to see you again. i've really missed you. i missed my old carefree life of hanging out in parks and crying over stupid things that never really mattered. and talking for hours about meaningless things that we always found so meaningful. and laughing. i miss laughing...

5. wow we've been through quite a lot. and yes you do annoy me sometimes and im pretty sure i annoy you too. but you've been one of my closest friends for eleven years and im so thankful that i have you and i know you'll always be there. you're such an amazing friend and i love you to pieces. and I know you're probably gunna stay at the holt but I really dont wanna lose you so you've gotta keep in contact with me. because i'm gunna miss you. These last couple of weeks when i've gone out with you, they've been pretty awesome. and we always seem to have a good time. Iloveyoux

6. Did you mean any of it or was it just some stupid mistake? am i just some stupid mistake? I hope it wasn't but i dont know and i cant ask you and even if i could i wouldn't cause i'd be too scared that your reply would be yes. and i dont want this dream to end just yet..

7. wheey i'm so glad we're friends. i actually love our pointless conversations on msn until midnight, (sorry about being so annoying... :/ haha) and your hugs are amazing :) you actually are such an amazing guy and i cant believe we've only just got to know each other properly. but at least i've got the next two years with you ;) lucky you ayee.

8. please stop having a go at me. i know im not perfect but i could figure that out by myself, and i know that i'm sometimes lazy or dont do enough but it doesnt give you the right to shout at me and make me feel so weak and useless and dumb. and doesnt give you the right to rub your acheivements in my face. because tbh you've never been like me, you were always different, you've always only thought of yourself. so don't even pretend you understand me or my actions cause i know you never will. not until you open up your eyes and really, really look at me.

look at the stars, look how the shine for you

hello it's me again. I'm bored so I thought i'd give you all another update in to my life...

i love summer. It's so beautiful and colourful with all the flowers :) i think its my favourite season. but im not quite sure because i quite like winter. although im not too keen on the cold but some of the best things happen in winter. Like my family are altogether, just for one day, christmas day, and we argue and we get bored and worn out really easily but we're all together. one family. and then theres new years eve, a time to look back upon the past year and remember all the good bits. and then look forward to the next year and how you'll change the bad bits. you make new years resulotions that you rarely ever keep for longer than a week. and you celebrate with friends. New years eve always makes me think about that. how many wonderfully amazing friends i have. and how many more ill make in the years to come. but it also makes me scared of losing the friends i have. right now everyones getting ready to leave and i dont think im ready to lose them. not right yet... but back to winter... i also get to go skiing which is pretty much the most amazing thing ever. i love the snow, and zooming down the mountain and the people i go with our pretty cool too :)


anyway why i was gunna write this blog...
have you ever looked to the sky and saw all those dazzling stars shining bright up there? I love just lying on the ground on my own in complete silence and just staring at the stars wondering... have you wondered what they are? it reminds me of a conversation i had with a friend who told me she believed they were our loved and lost ones watching over us. and i told her i hoped she was right. she then told me she didnt like hope. confused i asked her why and she replied. you either believe something or you dont, hope is a false sense of security, an easy way out. and i suppose she's true. but i believe hope is holding on to something that may not be there but by wishing so much for it, in your heart it becomes true. so i hope that the stars are our loved and lost ones and i hope one day ill be up there joining them again watching down on my family and keeping them safe...


well im off now its half nine and I'm really feeling a good old read tonight although i have no good books left... night

here we are, staring in to tommorows eyes

well a couple of my friends have started blogging so i thought i'd give it a go seeing as i've always liked the idea of keeping a diary but i can't write well and i always got bored however i'm always on the laptop so blogging should be easy and fun :)

anyway,, at the moment im coming to the end of my gcse's got eleven exams left and then it'll all be over till results day. to the left is a picture we took of our official last day of school. It was quite a sad day but it was pretty fun too as we pretty much were free to do what we want all day so spent it running round like mad loons and signing shirts... Prom's on 26th june and we've got a white limo. i'm so excited but quite sad too as it'll be the last day that our whole year will all be together for one last time. I hope it's a good night but i'm sure we'll all end up in tears by the end of it.

And in August me and my mum and dad and my next door neighbours are all off to Cuba for two weeks. I'm not quite sure when but i'm very excited. Especially as I get to spend it with my good friend Vicoria from nextdoor instead of just my parents. wooh ;)

Today i had my English language Paper 1 it went okay although i wrote way too much yet still didnt finish, but i don't think it was too bad. Not as bad as my english lit one however from last week which wasn't too amazing if i'm honest... And tommorow i have a lovely french listening exam which i'm really not looking forward to seeing as i'm not very good at french. or listening for that matter.

So right now i'm just looking forward to the weekend... Friday my friends coming round for a catch-up seeing as i haven't seen him for at least a year then saturday i might go down the gym if i cant find anything more interesting to do and its meant to be bad weather unfortunately and then sunday i'll probably spend in bed with a couple of good dvds...
so thats my life for the next couple of weeks...

oh and you may be wandering about the name of this blog, it's from a song by Michelle Featherstone called rest of my life and it really describes how i feel at the moment as well as it being a good name for a blog seeing as its talking about the future, and how we 'stare in to tommorows eyes' as if we're always looking to the future and whats going to happen next. just like this blog.

anyway hope you enjoy reading about me and my eventful life. (: