the start of the end

so here i am again, trying to revise for an exam where it doesnt really matter whether i revise or not i'm still not gunna get my target grade. their stupid they are. they give most people a false sense of security, try and make them believe they'll acheive something but when they dont they'll be more upset.

I'm really not looking forward to results day. not because i'm worried i wont get the grades i would like because to be honest as long as i get all above c with the exception of french i'll be happy. yes of course i'd love all a's but i'm not putting a lot of hope on it. because i dont want to feel dissapointed. i'd rather feel suprised that i got higher than i thought i would get then dissapointed and angry for not getting the grades i wanted.

but thats not the reason i dont want results. the reason i dont want results is because i hate the way everyone runs around asking you what you got and if you got lower than them they say in that really patronising voice 'ahh well done, thats good for you.' like your thick or something. or if you did by chance get higher than them because you revised really hard or you just had a really good exam then they complain that it was unfair, how could you possibly get more than they did? and then they make up excuses... their test was harder, they were having a bad day or they didnt revise. they cant accept that you may have just done better in one exam than them.

I'm not dumb I know that. i may not be the cleverest girl out there but i'm not stupid. And just because I might not get all a's doesn't mean i dont know anything. so yeh you're more acedemically smart than me. but in the real world what does that mean? Theres a lot more to life than a bunch of stupid exams, like friendship and love and exploring new places. I want to live when i'm older not just be some computer stuck in a job somewhere. and tbh once i've done my a levels who's really gunna care too much about my gcses? just as long as i get five a to c's then i'll be fine.